Sucks

Summary

Sucks is a teenage thief-class player character controlled by Abdul in this campaign. Vaguely 15 or 16 years old, Sucks recently went through a growth spurt though he hasn't gotten used to his new height yet. A chaotic-aligned character who wears a distinctive face-covering zip-up hoodie that resembles a venom mask, which unfortunately also resembles clothing worn by Neo-Nazis. Sucks wears this as his "Negotiating Hood" to appear threatening rather than for ideological reasons, though the appearance makes NPCs uncomfortable. As a member of the adventuring party, Sucks specializes in scouting and trap detection, serving as the group's advance reconnaissance specialist. The character possesses a fake ID claiming he's 21 and lives in Gainesville, Florida, which he uses to access restricted locations including blood orgies, elite wells, and after-hours bars.

Sucks positions himself as the "obvious leader" of the group, which he calls "Sex Benedict plus Cat and others" or "the band of Sucks Benedict and others." A kleptomaniac with crude humor and a ragged bow, Sucks demonstrates a supportive nature toward his companions, particularly Vasso, while maintaining a defiant attitude toward authority figures. His chaotic nature leads him to leap into danger without planning, and he is known for his social awkwardness, often grabbing random strangers to ask questions. He struggles with poor dice rolls in combat but attempts to maintain a heroic persona through witty one-liners and supportive commentary. Sucks maintains a notebook where he sketches the traveling party with a logo, and has developed expertise in goo-related matters, claiming to have a "PhD in goo" and carrying Purple Goo collected from previous adventures. The character has formed strong bonds with animals including a pig named Fajirald (his best friend) and Goober (his third-best friend), with whom he conducts extensive feeding experiments and eats exclusively from its output as a bonding method—similar to how he once befriended Cow Sean by eating everything that came out of it. He maintains a casual, sometimes impulsive approach to problem-solving, though capable of experiencing genuine emotional distress when situations go wrong and showing impatience with nonsensical decisions that create obvious disasters. His relationship with Safia is complicated by mutual blackmail—she knows he hit on her while she was in a shapeshifted animal form, and he knows about her shapeshifting abilities.

Sucks comes from a family that experienced financial decline—his parents were "really rich from selling microwaves but lost money on bad investments," information revealed during a heat-induced dream. This background may inform his desperate need to prove himself and his characteristic bravado. He maintains a complex relationship with honesty and deception, operating by a friendship hierarchy system where he claims to lie to everyone ranked seventh or below as friends, while reserving honesty for his top six. Despite professing skill at lying, Sucks struggles to effectively demonstrate dishonesty, accidentally speaking truthful observations when attempting to show others how lies work. He believes in "good lies" that make people feel happy, though his execution rarely matches his intentions. His parents live in a nice town, not in rough places like New Smoke. Romantically, Sucks pursues Greta with awkward sincerity, frequently saying inappropriate things when experiencing strong feelings but demonstrating genuine self-awareness about this tendency and apologizing when he crosses lines.

Appearance & Equipment

Wears sunglasses, which become covered in goose blood during the apartment investigation, significantly impairing vision even with torches lit
Equipped with armor providing 1 point of protection, though this proves ineffective against armor-piercing goose attacks
Owns a party mix minidisc that was lent to Dunko Guzman, serving as motivation to return to his location
Possesses a Kate Bush minidisc player that Fitgerald carries

Personality & Abilities

Class: Thief
Special Moves:
- Backstab ability
- Trap Expert Move (rolled an 8 when investigating the underground cavern)
Ability Modifiers: Negative one dexterity modifier
Personality Traits:
- Impulsive and action-oriented, preferring direct confrontation ("I just attacked them full on, head on")
- Capable of deep guilt and emotional response when questioning the morality of actions
- Maintains a casual, sometimes humorous demeanor even in dangerous situations
- Makes cultural references to movies and locations like "Eyes Wide Shut" and Brampton
Bonds: Has bonded with at least one other party member (Vasso)

Romantic impulsiveness: Frequently says inappropriate things when experiencing strong feelings, particularly around Greta, but shows self-awareness and apologizes when crossing lines
Strategic thinking: Contributes tactical ideas such as undermining enemy morale before striking at leadership
Impatience with nonsense: Becomes exasperated when party members make obviously disastrous decisions or hold onto fundamental misunderstandings

History

Session 2

Sucks begins the session with motivation to return to Dunko Guzman's location, explaining "Now we have to go back because that guy has my party mix cd." The character also reveals that Fajirald is listening to another disc. When confronted about a previous statement regarding Fat Nancy Cat, Sucks clarifies it was a deception: "No, it was a lie because we got caught rooting around in the trash back there. Being in that alleyway illegally."

During the investigation of Dunko's apartment, Sucks encounters Geese at Dunko's Apartment and takes immediate aggressive action, attempting to clear the area for investigation. The character asks "Can I backstab these geese?" before deciding on a frontal assault. Despite attempting to use a grabbing strategy—seizing geese by their necks—this backfires as it gives the birds better angles to attack Sucks' face. The character successfully kills two geese but rolls a 6 on the initial Hack and Slash attempt.

The emotional turning point comes when Katniss questions whether the geese might be Gooseman's pets. Sucks becomes overwhelmed with guilt and panic, drops the geese being held, and freezes while crying and muttering apologies. The character accepts continued attacks as deserved punishment, saying "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Why did we do this. I'm so sorry, Pat." Sucks later agrees to write a note explaining the situation and promises to clean up the goose blood after solving the mystery.

When the party discovers a passage beneath the Rex Tree, Sucks pushes everyone out of the way upon hearing speculation about the pigs being down there. Later, after lighting torches in the dark passages, the character's blood-covered sunglasses continue to impair vision, prompting the observation "Oh God. Well, price of being cool I guess."

Sucks uses the trap expert ability to scout the underground cavern, leaving the torch behind to avoid detection and investigating alone. Upon discovering the cult gathering, Sucks reports back: "There's a bunch of weird robed figures down there. I think it might be an Eyes Wide Shut kind of situation." The character provides specific observational details about the Robed Cult Figures, including one wearing "full yellow camo sweatpants sweatshirt, and on the butt it said Juicy" who had "a bag of McDonald's with them," leading to the humorous assessment that they might be "from Brampton."

Episode: "Session 3"

Trapped behind a portcullis with his companions, Sucks refuses the Robed Figure with Dog Mask's order to enter the Caverns beneath the Rex Tree, declaring, "Yeah, you don't really give us a lot of incentives to go in. We're just gonna hang out here." When Safia transforms from bat to human form in an Animorph-style body horror display, Sucks has a visceral physical reaction and vomits. He then makes a crude joke when she splashes water through the portcullis, pointing at his crotch and claiming, "Safiyo, what'd you do? You sprint, splash water over my crotch. So warm."

Throughout the session, Sucks attempts to boost Vasso's confidence by complimenting his muscular physique, telling him, "Vaso, your fucking buns are crazy right now. I don't know if you've been doing squats, but like between the big chest and these buns, you look like you could, you know, up a sniff Lord." He compares Vasso's build favorably to the Sniff Lord's flat posterior, using finger guns to point at each of Vasso's butt cheeks while making "pow" sounds, adding, "You're older than me, so that's why this isn't weird." Sucks attempts to use his Tricks of the Trade ability to unlock the Portcullis Buttons and free the trapped party members, but fails his roll.

During combat with the Sniff Lord, Sucks shoots a poisoned arrow using his Poisoner ability and Serpent's Tears, though the attack barely affects the creature due to poor dice rolls. He tries to deliver witty one-liners, saying "sucks to be you, Sniff Lord" and "sucks my tits," though he acknowledges the second one was his own attempt and not as good. He thanks Katniss for helping with the first line and grabs her hand in solidarity. The session reveals that Sucks has known about Safia's shapeshifting abilities all along, and the two have been engaged in mutual blackmail—she knows he hit on her while she was in a shapeshifted animal form. When this information is exposed, Sucks declares, "Here's the thing. You don't have anything on me anymore. I feel so free. Freer than I have in weeks."

After witnessing something that gives him "dog sight," Sucks experiences unusual clarity, exclaiming, "Whoa guys, I feel so lame. I've never felt more clear headed in my life. I hate it." He collects Purple Sludge in his empty 2-liter Coke bottle from his adventure gear. When Katniss initially snubbed his Kraft single pocket square earlier, Sucks becomes defensive, later confronting them: "Now you think it's cool to talk to me, even though before, when I showed you my sick pocket square. You snubbed me like I was a piece of shit. You eat that hot sauce piece of shit."

Episode: "Session 4"

Sucks begins Session 4 examining the mysterious Access Key Card discovered by the stream in the previous session. He participates in shopping at Rex Tree, grabbing passing strangers to ask questions about cool items to purchase. When one stranger reacts negatively to his hood, calling it "Neo Nazi shit," Sucks protests: "Hey, no, I'm one of you. I'm cool." He then zips the hood back up all the way.

During shopping, [Sucks visits the Novelty Goods Shop](timestamp://86cd404c-d3fc-4850-9eff-ab865b388df9/12:30) where he leverages his claimed goo expertise. He attempts an unusual negotiation with the Novelty Goods Shopkeeper, trying to get paid for disposing of goo: "Oh, no, no, no. I'm getting rid of your goo for you, man. It's purple Goo, man. I told you I'm an expert at this. I got my PhD in goo." He successfully trades a liter of Purple Goo for a canister of Toxic Burning Goo (the silly string substance) and purchases a Goblin's Mustache for 2 coins, which he pastes on his lip.

Sucks returns to Louise Guzman to renegotiate escort rates, confronting her with research: "Hey, Louise, we found out that you pay 54 coins a day for escort for a day along a monster infested road." He gets up on tiptoes to get face-to-face with the taller Guzman during negotiations, gives her the nickname "Goose" which he uses repeatedly, and presents the stolen Gold Wedding Ring as evidence against the Sniff Lord's acolytes. During the journey, Sucks assists Vasso with navigation, sitting next to him with his hand on the pig reins and offering reassurance. He describes his elaborate combat plan involving burning goo to the party, and expresses concern about the neck-button technique the party uses, worried they might be killing people.

When the party encounters The Frozen Blob, Sucks participates in the group's theorizing. He bets on the "Ice Monkey Theory" with Vasso, defining his win condition broadly: "If it's a monkey that is aware of ice, I win. If it's a monkey named ice, I win." He plays "Running Up That Hill" by Kate Bush loud on his headphones around his neck so everyone can hear, then warns: "I think the absence of heat is starting to rise." Sucks adjusts his music volume from 100% to 75% to 50% as the party attempts to communicate with the blob. He offers his pocket square made from a Craft Single Cheese Slice, unwrapping it and tossing it at the blob, then gives Cat a handful of Popcorn before tossing the rest at the blob. At the session's end, he adds a drawing of Thunk (depicted as a simple circle) to his notebook and shows it to the blob. He rolls out his bedroll to sleep alongside the road. During advancement, he receives experience for his chaotic alignment (leaping into danger without a plan when investigating the frozen area) and increases his dexterity modifier from minus one to zero, choosing the move Shoe when leveling up.

Episode: "Session 5"

Sucks scouts ahead with Kat and Monster during Session 5, rolling an 8 and choosing to make a discovery. During this scouting expedition, he becomes obsessed with cow pies after Kat mentions them, misunderstanding them to be literal pies produced by cows rather than cow dung. He asks: "So milk comes out of a cow's boobs. Where do the pies come out of?" and expresses genuine fascination about finding these pies. He shares childhood memories of ice chests his parents owned, noting they had "beautiful, clean ice and mechanical cooling components," which Goober reminds him of.

When the group encounters the Pumpkin Creature, Sucks demonstrates his combat abilities and reckless heroism. He successfully shoots a pumpkin with an arrow, splitting it in half, but gets hit by one half and knocked down, taking 1 damage after armor. He heroically kicks Cat in the chest to save her from another pumpkin, immediately feeling bad about it afterward. From the ground, he shouts: "Cat, run. Tell my story."

Sucks then runs out into the field to goad the creature into throwing more pumpkins, creating a distraction while listening to "Running Up This Hill" by Kate Bush on his mini disc player. He describes his combat style: "I'm vibing to Kate Bush while I'm doing this. That's why I'm pulling this off, despite my lankiness." He performs front flips and shoots arrows intermittently, but his anti-skip feature fails and the song changes to an unfamiliar Kate Bush track, disrupting his rhythm and causing him to be ensnared by the creature's vine tentacles. While being dragged through the field by the Gordian's tentacles, Sucks announces his friendship hierarchy in order from best to worst: "It is for Gerald the pig. Then. Ow. Then goober. Then the Hillary Duff—" before being choked off mid-sentence. He successfully frees himself by hacking through the vines with his dagger, rolling a perfect 10 on his hack and slash and dealing 7 damage. He becomes covered in the creature's chlorophyll goo, noting: "So much of it gets in my mouth, it's crazy" and "It's just got bad goo inside it. We should not eat this one." After the combat, Sucks proposes collecting pumpkin seeds to feed to Goober, suggesting they could produce pumpkin-flavored items to sell when they reach New Smoke. He also sprays expired silly string on the creature to make it more visible for Cat, then lights the silly string on fire in its mouth, declaring: "Team effort."

Episode: "Session 6"

Early in the session, Sucks attempts to teach Vasso about lying, explaining his friendship-based honesty system: "No, here's the thing. I don't lie to you because you're my sixth best friend. Anything above six and above no lies. But I lie to everyone else in the world." When trying to demonstrate lying by complimenting the gold flecks in Vasso's eyes, Shawn confirms this observation is accidentally truthful, undermining Sucks's demonstration. Frustrated by his inability to lie convincingly, Sucks escalates to an elaborate theatrical performance with Cat, orchestrating precise choreography and staging a fake assassination scene where he claims to work for "Count Duke Johnson. The Duke Count of Johnson," threatening Cat on behalf of the count's wife and mistress. After the performance, Sucks whispers to Cat that Vasso "can't handle" knowing the truth about the Pigs' false freedom.

During preparations for potential bandit encounters, Sucks enthusiastically participates in decorating pumpkins to look like additional party members, drawing "a dick and balls on one of them" and dumping "a bunch of pumpkin slop on Goober." When a sweater competition begins with Cat, Sucks declares "I'm pretty sure I could wear 11" and starts "fucking ramming them on as hard as he can." The competition leaves him trapped in multiple sweaters with one hood caught on a loose nail. Rather than struggle, he accepts his fate: "I'm in these sweaters." He successfully argues for +1 armor from the layers but suffers a debility to strength that severely restricts arm movement. Despite this limitation, Sucks "feel[s] invincible" and acts accordingly, his headphones dragging on the ground and hit clips jangling from his belt. As the session progresses, he becomes increasingly delirious from heat, with inner sweater layers soaking wet. While unconscious from heat stroke, he dreams of his parents discussing their lost wealth from microwave sales and bad investments.

When the Wandering Traveler appears, Sucks immediately tries to charge at them, declaring "This team is called Sucks Benedict and others know your place" and kicking Safia off when she tries to restrain him. During negotiations with his "negotiating hood up," Sucks proposes: "Counter proposal. Some water and we talk. But we give you 40 coins... You got to spend money to make money." When the traveler is revealed to be Nick Silver, Sucks demonstrates moral conflict—initially chastising Cat for shooting Nick ("What the fuck is wrong with you?"), then attempting to help restrain him when the situation escalates. When Nick moves to grab his staff, Sucks attempts "a jump roll" to grab it first, but his weak arms crumple beneath him: "he scorpions into the dirt, skidding down the road."

During the confrontation, Sucks delivers a tearful, emotional speech about betrayal: "You took a goddamn pie from us. And then you know what else you did? You took a goddamn pie from us... We try really hard to be your friend, and you didn't. And you lied to us. And then you left." He starts crying during the accusation, mentioning that Nick also took his Hillary Duff poster and 20 coins. When Nick freezes everyone with his staff, Sucks involuntarily urinates and cannot stop once started, demonstrating the complete nature of the paralysis. Later, he insists on the distinction: "I pissed my own pants." Despite the humiliation, Sucks maintains his moral stance, telling Cat: "He lied to us. And lying's wrong."

Episode: "Session 9"

Early in the session, Sucks makes an unfortunate sexual innuendo while speaking with Greta, stating "I mean, I would like something to blow. Something. Holy." He must immediately apologize, explaining to her his tendency to speak without thinking when experiencing strong emotions: "I just like you a lot and I sometimes don't know what to say when I have a lot of feelings, so I just say whatever comes into my head." He attempts to salvage the situation by asking Greta to breakfast, acknowledging "I feel like the date kind of got co opted by others." At the session's conclusion, as Greta prepares to depart, she reaches out to touch his hand and tells him to be careful, prompting Sucks to reflect: "Honestly, that's the most any girl has ever liked me."

During strategic discussions about dealing with The Guards in New Smoke, Sucks observes that the guards seem to be enjoying themselves together, pointing at the a cappella group as evidence. He supports the idea of undermining guard morale before striking at their leadership, suggesting "sewing discontent to kind of try and make their forces weaker. And then that's when we strike at the button for the leader." He demonstrates protective instincts toward the party's imprisoned pigs and attempts to hire Yassandra to retrieve them from "the canal area" before Cat's intervention changes everything.

Sucks becomes increasingly frustrated with Cat's insistence that The Mayor of New Smoke imprisoned in the foundry is actually one of their pigs. He attempts multiple times to explain civic governance: "mayor is a civic position for a public servant where they kind of run a town and it's a human man or woman." He leans in close to warn Cat: "I want you to really consider whether you want to double down on this gang." When Cat uses divine magic to transform Yassandra into an immortal hero, Sucks immediately recognizes the catastrophe they have created, telling Cat bluntly: "yes. And we are fucked now." When Cat claims they made the world better, Sucks states: "Objectively, I disagree with you 100%. 100%, I disagree." He desperately tries to prevent the newly immortal Yassandra from killing their pigs, asking "Can you not kill our pigs?"

Episode: "Session 11"

Sucks began the session still wearing his bear costume, using the bear persona to communicate with companions ("bear love, human helper, human girl, kind to bear"). When Safia approached, he pulled her close and transformed the costume into a bear rug by lying down. Despite his attachment to the costume—telling others "I don't want to ditch the bear. He helped us"—he eventually removed it when forced to hide from an approaching guard. During the looting of unconscious Underground Facility Guards, Sucks discovered Burnt Matches, wrapped cheese, and a folded map in the third guard's pockets. He examined The Wasteland Map carefully with Kat's help, determining it represented the wasteland outside New Smoke and that guards had been using burnt matches as charcoal to mark explored locations. When Kat prepared to shoot a guard, Sucks whispered encouragement: "kill him. You can fucking kill him."

Sucks proposed disguising themselves in Guard Uniforms and eagerly assembled a disguise including a jean vest with "my hug is my log" stitched on the back (originally belonging to Ashford), horn pants, tank top, bandana, and Goblin Stash mustache. Safia helped age his appearance using burnt matchsticks to create facial stubble and crow's feet. When confronted by a Tall Muscular Guard, Sucks attempted to maintain cover by claiming to inspect doorknobs and organize bridge night for guards, but the guard's intimidating size caused him to lose composure. He resolved the encounter with a spinning heel kick to the guard's neck, demonstrating his backstab ability when the enemy was distracted.

Sucks successfully infiltrated The Big Chamber where the Thunderhog Leader addressed the assembled gang, witnessing the leader's speech revealing the gang's search for The Casket. Demonstrating his theatrical instincts, he boldly started a "speech, speech, speech" chant that caught on among gang members. However, his poor social skills made blending in difficult—he later reflected that "usually he's the coolest person in the room" but in The Assembly Hall he felt like "no one in this club that I'm definitely in likes me." When questioned about being a new recruit, Sucks told an elaborate lie about eating a roadside sandwich that gave him diarrhea and making him shit his pants, also mentioning his failed attempt to start a bridge club. The situation deteriorated when Winslow, a suspicious guard, questioned his identity. Sucks claimed his name was "Road Sandwich" and that he won Ashford's vest in a bridge game, also boasting he was "the best at accents in my old thief crew." Despite the absurdity, he rolled an 11 on his charisma check, buying time before Winslow walked away to report him.

Left alone, Sucks was "sadly eating a chicken leg and potato salad alone at one of the long tables" when his mini disc player betrayed his position by playing Kate Bush loudly after the headphone cord caught on a table. When Monster the Cat created a distraction drawing guards away to investigate a false basement emergency, Sucks infiltrated The Dressing Room and knocked out the Thunderhog Leader, initiating The Mayor of New Smoke's rescue. During the rescue, he expressed insecurity about Greta's opinion of him, asking companions to tell her he did a good job, and admitted: "I was forced to go on a date with her, which I kind of wanted to, but I. I wasn't my choice." At the session's conclusion, when Sucks picked up The Silver Object, his vision immediately went black and he encountered The One-Handed Entity, identifying himself as "Road Sandwich" when questioned about his name and desires.

Relationships

Abdul — The player who controls Sucks at the table
Fajirald/Fitgerald — Sucks' bonded pig companion who carries the character's Kate Bush minidisc player. Sucks is deeply invested in keeping the pig, warning the party "If you lose our pigs, I'll stop loving you"
Vasso (also referred to as Vasso) — A party member with whom Sucks has established a bond, as required by the thief class mechanics
Katniss — Party member who previously joined Sucks in rooting around in recycling, and whose question about the geese being pets triggered Sucks' emotional breakdown
Dunko Guzman — Possesses Sucks' party mix minidisc, creating a standing obligation for the character to return
Cat — Party member Sucks turns to when discussing the anticipated reward of riding away on pigs

Greta: Romantic interest who Sucks pursues awkwardly but sincerely, admitting "I just like you a lot and I sometimes don't know what to say when I have a lot of feelings, so I just say whatever comes into my head." Greta reciprocates with concern for his safety and physical affection, touching his hand and telling him to be careful when departing
Yassandra: Sucks attempts to hire him to retrieve their pigs before Cat's transformation, then becomes alarmed when Yassandra becomes an immortal hero who knows about their pigs and tries to negotiate with him to prevent him from killing them

Aliases & Disguises

No aliases or disguises have been documented for this character in Session 2.

Sucks Benedict

Summary

Sucks Benedict is a gangly teenage trap expert controlled by Abdul in the campaign. Sucks is characterized by his unfiltered speech, social awkwardness, and tendency to refer to himself in the third person. He operates in New Smoke and the New Smoke Market, where he navigates both mercantile transactions and teenage romance with varying degrees of success. Sucks demonstrates a pattern of gullibility when dealing with merchants despite his claimed expertise with traps, having been scammed multiple times during Session 8.

In Session 8, Sucks spends the session preparing for a date with a Teenage Salvager Woman, purchasing counterfeit accessories, arranging musical performances, and receiving extensive fashion advice from Cat. His approach to social situations combines boldness with profound inexperience, claiming to have been on eleven dates when asked (rolling an 11 on his charisma check), though his track record suggests otherwise.

Appearance & Equipment

Gangly teenage build
Top hat (worn during the date)
Counterfeit Goat Horns (actually antlers) purchased for 20 coins from a Counterfeit Goat Horns Merchant
Modified shorts with zippered ankles that bundle up fabric
Hood (put up when indignant)
Sketchbook containing logos and plans
Hair that Sucks does not wash, claiming "it's as good as shampoo"

Personality & Abilities

Trap Expert — Sucks's class or specialty, though this expertise does not extend to recognizing merchant scams
Boldness — Speaks openly without filter, as when commenting on Brusque's "fat middle aged dudes calves" and insisting "I was paying you a compliment"
Social Misunderstanding — Appears to misunderstand or deliberately misinterpret words like "sexual proclivities"
Third-Person Speech — Refers to himself in the third person: "Zucks is okay with this? Sucks says, referring to himself as the third person"
Strong Appetite — Finds and eats loose cheese and meat from a charcuterie board in Brusque's cart
Gullibility — Gets scammed for 5 coins by Jack the Hammock Merchant for a sick rat with a yellow-banded tail (claimed to be a "lure rat"), and for 20 coins for counterfeit goat horns
Strategic Thinking — Proposes splitting the party to maximize coin spending within the 15-minute time limit before the market closes, suggesting each person "clean out" a different stall
Romantic Inexperience — Despite claiming eleven dates, admits "I didn't even wanted to go on a date with her. This is. I'm in so far over my head at this situation"

History

Session 8

Sucks begins the session in the New Smoke Aftermarket with limited time to spend the party's 45 coins before the market closes. He proposes that the group split up, with each person targeting a different stall to maximize their purchasing efficiency within the 15-minute window. This tactical approach to shopping proves ironic given his subsequent vulnerability to merchant scams.

Sucks encounters Jack the Hammock Merchant and becomes convinced a rat in the hammock pile has a gold ring. He digs through the pile of hammocks, eventually catching a sick rat with a yellow-banded tail. The merchant tricks him into believing it is a valuable "lure rat" and charges him 5 coins for it. Feeling betrayed, Sucks threatens revenge: "I was gonna buy an overpriced hammock, but now no more. And then sucks puts his hood up" in indignation.

Cat attempts to set Sucks up on a date with a Teenage Salvager Woman by offering to trade his time for music discs and headphones. When asked about his dating experience, Sucks claims he has been on eleven dates. He agrees to take the woman to Meat Party after the aftermarket closes, promising: "Look, here's what I'll do. I'll take you on a date and I'll make it the best date you've ever had." He explains his plan has "a real Italian vibe" involving pie, noodles, and an acapella serenade.

Sucks stops at a merchant stall "because he wants Cat to shut up about the goat horns." He purchases counterfeit goat horns (actually antlers) for 20 coins from the Counterfeit Goat Horns Merchant, getting scammed again. He assembles an elaborate date outfit including a top hat and the fake horns. Sucks arranges for the Barrel-Chested Guards to perform an acapella serenade during the date, telling them: "I need you guys to help me make a girl fall in love with me."

On the actual date at Meat Party, Sucks reveals his nervousness and lack of agency in the situation: "This was not my idea. I just came with you." When the Teenage Salvager Woman asks if he wants to be there, he stammers: "I do want to be here. I do. I just am shy sometimes when it comes to some things, so I would. I do want to be here on this date with you." He references a previous failed date with a girl named Annie where he played Alien Ant Farm's "Smooth Criminal" as date music, noting "it's not really the best date music in my experience."

During the date, Sucks delivers an unexpectedly philosophical monologue: "We live in a world of impermanence that is the hallmark of our lives. Everything changes and everything fades eventually, save for the things that we carry in our hearts. These are the things that last, and these are the things that change us." The session ends with Cat, Vasso, and Safia joining them at the table. Sucks reflects on the situation: "Yeah, it's kind of weird. We're weird teenagers, man. I didn't know what to say. She was pretty."

Relationships

Abdul — Sucks's player, who controls his actions and decisions throughout the campaign
Cat — Matchmaker who sets up Sucks's date and provides extensive fashion advice, though Sucks finds the advice overwhelming at times
Teenage Salvager Woman — Sucks's date at Meat Party, for whom he plans an elaborate Italian-themed romantic evening
Jack the Hammock Merchant — Merchant who scams Sucks into buying a sick rat for 5 coins
Counterfeit Goat Horns Merchant — Merchant who sells Sucks fake goat horns for 20 coins
Barrel-Chested Guards — Guards Sucks recruits to perform an acapella serenade during his date
Brusque — Party member whose calves Sucks openly compliments, demonstrating his unfiltered speech
Vasso — Party member who joins Sucks's table at the end of the date
Safia — Party member who joins Sucks's table at the end of the date
Annie — A previous date who experienced Sucks's choice of Alien Ant Farm's "Smooth Criminal" as date music

Aliases & Disguises

No aliases or disguises were used by Sucks Benedict in Session 8, though he did assemble a specific date outfit featuring counterfeit goat horns and a top hat.

Sucks Benedict

Summary

Sucks Benedict is a player character controlled by Abdul in the campaign. In Session 9, Sucks demonstrates a philosophy of acceptance and low standards, famously declaring "I think everyone's beautiful in their own way. And I will. And I'm like, have low standards." The character maintains a romantic interest in Greta, whom Sucks describes as "kind of my girlfriend," and defends her decision not to join the party on dangerous missions as a positive trait, arguing that such prudence makes her "the settle down type."

Sucks acknowledges being a miscreant and admits to previously attempting to kill Nick Silver with an arrow in the neck. The character wears a T-shirt that says "no fear" on the front. In Session 9, Sucks undergoes a significant transformation when the Ever-Living Branch accidentally fuses to the character's body, creating a controllable third appendage.

Sucks reveals having an older brother named Dicks Benedict, stating "My older brother taught me that. Yeah. My family's not great."

Appearance & Equipment

Wears a T-shirt with "no fear" printed on the front
Carries Dust Hats as part of disguise equipment
Owns a mini disc player with Enya recordings
Temporarily acquires the Ever-Living Branch, which can attach to various parts of the body as a functional appendage
When disguised as an old man, uses hunched posture and carries the Ever-Living Branch as a walking stick

Personality & Abilities

Philosophy: Embraces acceptance and maintains what Sucks describes as "low standards," believing "everyone is beautiful in their own way"
Romantic outlook: Values partners who avoid danger and adventure, viewing prudence as a desirable trait for long-term relationships
Physical capabilities: Successfully rolls an 11 on Defy Danger with Strength when smashing a doorknob with a rock
Mental discipline: Can detach the Ever-Living Branch through calm mental concentration, achieved by listening to Enya on a mini disc player
Attunement: The Ever-Living Branch bonds specifically to Sucks, functioning as a controllable appendage with three finger-like projections (two fingers and a thumb)
Experimental nature: Willing to test the branch's attachment capabilities on various body parts including forehead, butt, and crotch
Self-awareness: Acknowledges being a miscreant and admits to past violent acts

History

Session 9

At Yassandra's Shed, Sucks attempts to gain entry by smashing the doorknob off the door with a rock, rolling an 11 on Defy Danger with Strength. The character successfully destroys the doorknob but leaves the padlock intact. After discovering a key under a rock, Sucks comments "Here we go. Here's the key. And then, yeah, he smashes the. He Smashes the knob off the door. He's like, wow. Smooth." Upon entering, Sucks goes into the bathroom first and declares "That's what I call teamwork."

During the session, Sucks engages in philosophical discussion about universal beauty with the party, defending the romantic interest in Greta. When others question this choice, Sucks responds that Greta is "nice" and reiterates the belief that everyone possesses beauty in their own way, even pointing to another character and saying "That guy's beautiful in his own way."

Sucks attempts an elaborate deception at the Guard Storage Shed, disguising as an old man afflicted with digestive distress. Using a dust hat and hunched posture while carrying the Ever-Living Branch as a walking stick, Sucks approaches the Guard with Patchy Beard and claims: "Stay back, young man. I have. I think I might have some kind of diet virulent diuretic disease." The character attempts to convince the guard that the storage shed is an outhouse, pleading "Is that the outhouse over there? I've been looking for it all night. The squirts have got me in their grips."

When the guard refuses access, Sucks escalates the performance, declaring "My butt feels like it has snakes inside of it. Tell me what's in the shed. I need to know." To simulate violent diarrhea, the character squeezes Purple Transformative Goo between the thighs, but slips in the substance and falls. The Transformative Goo causes the Ever-Living Branch to fuse to the left side of Sucks's chest near the armpit, creating a permanent new appendage with three finger-like projections that functions as an additional arm controlled by Sucks's own mind.

Initially panicking about the transformation, Sucks returns to Cat and reports "that did not go as planned," expressing concern: "I don't know what's going on with this. This is not good." The character worries about Greta's reaction, stating "I guarantee you she won't" find the new appendage attractive.

Vasso explains that the branch resembles prosthetic limbs used by The Carvers in Vasso's commune and can be removed through calm mental concentration. Sucks admits "I never thought of thinking" and successfully detaches the branch by listening to Enya on the mini disc player. The character discovers the branch is attuned specifically to Sucks and begins experimenting with different attachment points, reasoning "If I put it on my butt, I could kind of have a tail. And then that would help with climbing."

Sucks attaches the branch to the forehead in a unicorn-horn configuration and pokes Vasso's circlet with it, discovering that the head-mounted branch creates a deeper connection than Vasso's circlet provides to the Earth Mother Cult. The character demonstrates the branch's functionality by attaching it to the crotch and having it hold an apple, joking "it's a baby's arm holding an apple." Sucks notes "Weird that it doesn't work on my crotch. Can't get it to stick there?" but confirms "It does stick to my butt. It stick to my butt."

Relationships

Greta: Romantic interest whom Sucks describes as "kind of my girlfriend." Sucks defends Greta's choice not to join dangerous adventures as a positive trait, valuing her prudence as characteristic of "the settle down type."
Abdul: The player who controls Sucks at the table.
Cat: Party member to whom Sucks reports after the failed guard deception.
Vasso: Provides crucial information about the Ever-Living Branch and its connection to The Carvers, helping Sucks understand how to control the appendage.
Nick Silver: Past target whom Sucks admits attempting to kill with an arrow in the neck.
Dicks Benedict: Sucks's older brother, referenced when the character states "My older brother taught me that. Yeah. My family's not great."

Aliases & Disguises

Old Man with Diuretic Disease: Sucks adopts this persona to infiltrate the Guard Storage Shed, using a dust hat, hunched posture, and the Ever-Living Branch as a walking stick. The character claims to suffer from a "virulent diuretic disease" and desperately seeks an outhouse. The disguise fails catastrophically when Sucks slips in the Purple Transformative Goo used to simulate diarrhea, resulting in the branch fusing to the character's chest.